To be the Queen of Chaos, you have to be a little warped.

Posts tagged ‘depression’

It’s Like Starting Over

Yeah, I kind of crashed and burned for a while on this blogging thing.  I haven’t really known what to say or how to say it without coming off as whiny.

I’m doing my best to juggle everything that is on my agenda these days.  I don’t like to do things half-assed, nor do I like to feel that there are limits to my capabilities, so I can’t say I’m too happy with my efforts.

I’m tired all the time, mostly because I don’t sleep well.  I’m in the worst shape of my life.  I look like I just rolled out of bed most days because I either don’t have time or can’t be bothered to actually get ready fully in attractive, flattering clothing with hair and makeup done.  I’ve been taking more short cuts than I prefer to on things like cooking and cleaning.  Basically, I’ve been trying to use all the energy and enthusiasm I have to meet the kids’ most pressing needs – therapies, homework, health and personal stuff, activities, etc.

Also, my anxiety symptoms have kicked up a bit.  I’m well aware that I may have to do some level of preventative maintenance for the rest of my life where that’s concerned, but it’s been hard for me to refrain from thinking, “Now?  Really?!  Because I don’t have enough to deal with?!”  That’s the devilish truth about anxiety – it loves to creep in and stir up trouble when the boat is already rocking.  Asshole.

So basically, I’ve been kind of vacillating between stressed, anxious, and depressed, all while trying to hide it from my kids and cope in appropriate ways.  Listening to my ipod and knitting a lot again – let me know if you need a hat or some shit.

The biggest struggle I’m dealing with currently, though, is probably the Guilt Monster.  I feel so obligated to make the right choices and do all the thinking, researching, and planning for Jasmine.  There’s just no shutting up that little voice that says, “This is all your fault, so it is your responsibility to make it right.”  That same little fucker also likes to say, “One wrong decision made by their mother – who is always supposed to get it right – could ruin one of these girls forever.  Their future happiness depends on you giving them a perfect childhood.”

Basically, life’s complicated these days.  I wish I could say I have my normal level of enthusiasm for upcoming pleasures, like our vacation or the holidays, but I don’t.  Most of that stuff feels like one big to-do list that’s following me around, poking me in the back of the head, taunting me.

So there it is.  It’s whiny, it’s grouchy, it’s a downer – but at least it’s a frikkin’ post, right?

Advertisements

How Did You Spend Your Last Day?

SO much going on in the past couple of weeks that I’ve had little time to sit down and type out my thoughts.  Not until I became a parent did I appreciate how completely insane the month of June can be!

Today was my older girls’ Last Day Of School.  (Capitalized because it might as well be a national holiday, judging by the number of times I’ve been asked, “When is it?” over the past two months.)  They had a great year with fabulous teachers, so we decided to join a group of parents who were picking up their kids and meeting downtown to get sugared up at a cupcake shop and an ice cream place.

Part of the fun was decorating our cars with window markers, streamers, and such so the kids could drive past the waiting school staff, parade style, hollering and waving and starting off the summer with a bang.  The girls loved driving past their teachers and into town in our SUV emblazoned with “Have A Great Summer!”, “Thanks Mrs. H!” etc.  We were certainly a spectacle as we drove through the main streets, one car behind the other, all decorated and beeping our horns, blasting tunes like “What Time Is It” from High School Musical 2.

If I had to guess, I’d say about 75% of the people we passed (whose reactions were visible to me) looked indifferent, sometimes irritated or scornful, and occasionally confused.  (Odd, considering that our purpose was basically written all over our cars…)

The other 25% smiled, laughed, waved, honked their horns – we even had a traffic cop do a little dance as we passed.  I couldn’t help but find that kind of disillusioning.  To think that the majority of people would react to a bunch of children and families sharing a joyful moment with apathy, even disdain… well, that’s just kind of sad to me.  What the hell is happening to us?

As someone who has been through depression and anxiety – had my body and brain create lousy feelings and reactions against my will – I cannot begin to understand why the average healthy person would choose negativity.  I would have given anything for the ability to turn off my blah switch and embrace all the good things in life when I was in my darkest days.  To think that there are people out there who have that amazing power and don’t use it… it boggles my mind.

Yes, life and the people in it suck sometimes.  A lot.  But there is so much beauty if you allow it to be your primary focus instead of the bullshit.  There is gorgeous weather and the natural wonders of the outdoors – birds, animals, flowers, water.  There are hobbies and interests that can bring fun, learning, and accomplishment.  There are amazing moments with the people we love; snuggling with our partners, laughing with friends, playing with our children, even cuddling with a pet.  There are new adventures to be had at the first opportunity, however simple or inexpensive they may have to be.  There is the incredible freedom you’ve been blessed with if your daily responsibilities still allow you the time and resources to enjoy anything I’ve just mentioned, or anything else that brings you happiness.

Choose joy.  Embrace it and savor it in each moment.  Honor your blessings by enjoying them, making them a priority.  Laugh at other people’s kids acting goofy on the last day of school.

If you can’t, try as you might, look within.  If changes need to be made, start making them.  If you need help, ask for it.  I know what it’s like to look back and realize that a chunk of my life was stolen from me, and that I can never get it back.  I am thankful that it only took me a couple of years to get to a place where I feel like the master of my life again.  Take back control as soon as you can.  You won’t regret it.

I used to listen to this a lot, and sing along good and loud.  Now I mean it.  I won’t worry my life away.