To be the Queen of Chaos, you have to be a little warped.

It’s Like Starting Over

Yeah, I kind of crashed and burned for a while on this blogging thing.  I haven’t really known what to say or how to say it without coming off as whiny.

I’m doing my best to juggle everything that is on my agenda these days.  I don’t like to do things half-assed, nor do I like to feel that there are limits to my capabilities, so I can’t say I’m too happy with my efforts.

I’m tired all the time, mostly because I don’t sleep well.  I’m in the worst shape of my life.  I look like I just rolled out of bed most days because I either don’t have time or can’t be bothered to actually get ready fully in attractive, flattering clothing with hair and makeup done.  I’ve been taking more short cuts than I prefer to on things like cooking and cleaning.  Basically, I’ve been trying to use all the energy and enthusiasm I have to meet the kids’ most pressing needs – therapies, homework, health and personal stuff, activities, etc.

Also, my anxiety symptoms have kicked up a bit.  I’m well aware that I may have to do some level of preventative maintenance for the rest of my life where that’s concerned, but it’s been hard for me to refrain from thinking, “Now?  Really?!  Because I don’t have enough to deal with?!”  That’s the devilish truth about anxiety – it loves to creep in and stir up trouble when the boat is already rocking.  Asshole.

So basically, I’ve been kind of vacillating between stressed, anxious, and depressed, all while trying to hide it from my kids and cope in appropriate ways.  Listening to my ipod and knitting a lot again – let me know if you need a hat or some shit.

The biggest struggle I’m dealing with currently, though, is probably the Guilt Monster.  I feel so obligated to make the right choices and do all the thinking, researching, and planning for Jasmine.  There’s just no shutting up that little voice that says, “This is all your fault, so it is your responsibility to make it right.”  That same little fucker also likes to say, “One wrong decision made by their mother – who is always supposed to get it right – could ruin one of these girls forever.  Their future happiness depends on you giving them a perfect childhood.”

Basically, life’s complicated these days.  I wish I could say I have my normal level of enthusiasm for upcoming pleasures, like our vacation or the holidays, but I don’t.  Most of that stuff feels like one big to-do list that’s following me around, poking me in the back of the head, taunting me.

So there it is.  It’s whiny, it’s grouchy, it’s a downer – but at least it’s a frikkin’ post, right?

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